Sunday, April 26, 2009

It's kinda like jumping out of a plane...

Ok so I'm not the biggest fan of heights. I close my eyes on the hills of roller coasters. I get nervous looking over cliffs. And freshman year I chickened out of going off the swing at Butlers high rope course (it's 38 ft off the ground). So what made me decide to freefall from 13,000 ft you ask? Well a lot of things...

So I wanna write this down before I forget…before I lose the memory of the feeling of shear terror as I looked out the door of the plane or the nauseous feeling in the pit of my stomach as we started falling and most importantly the loss of that terror and fear to just the feeling of complete calm…the feeling that falling was completely normal and where I was suppose to be.

Skydiving wasn't just something I did for fun (I could have gone bowling if I wanted to have fun). It was something I needed to do, something I needed to feel. I ALWAYS want to be in control or at least know who is in control and have the plan set out in front of me so I know what to expect. I don't like not knowing. It bothers me, a lot. I've been getting more and more nervous and even scared as the summer approaches. There is so much that is uncertain and unknown. And I don't like it. I don't have a plan and a backup plan and a back up plan to that back up plan and it freaks me out.

And then I realized that trusting God is kinda like jumping out of a plane. Trust me... getting harnessed: you're fine, getting in the plane: excited, going up in the plane: nervous, moving toward the door: unsure, at the door: questioning, panicked, terrified…I could go on. That's how I feel right now. I'm getting closer to the door and all I can think is "who the heck talked me into this?" I had NO control today. I knew what I was suppose to do but I had to trust that someone who knew what was going on was going to work out the details to get me safely back to the ground. Nothing I said or did would have given me any more control. I had no say in what happened. All I could do was my part and hope for the best… I needed THAT. I needed to experience the amazing feeling of letting go and doing something that is no where in the realm of my comfort zone.

I was listening to a new song last night by Francesca Battistelli called "I'm Letting Go" the words that stood out to me were:

This is a giant leap of faith
Trusting and trying to embrace
The fear of the unknown
Beyond my comfort zone
I’m letting go
Of the life I planned for me
And my dreams
Losing control
Of my destiny
Feels like I’m falling and that’s what it’s like to believe
So I’m letting go
Giving in to Your gravity
Knowing You are holding me
I’m not afraid

I'm not afraid(much). I'm excited. I'm ready. I know that it will be scary. I know that there will be moments where I have no idea what is going on. But just like the calm that I felt with falling, I know that trusting that I am following where God is leading me will give me an even greater sense of peace among the chaos.

20 days...

P.S. Here is my video of me jumping!


  1. HELENA!
    1. I am so proud of you and skydiving feat!
    2. Yay, Francesca!
    3. The video is incredible.You look nervous, but you did it!
    4. You are incredible :)
    Love, meg

  2. Thanks for the encouragement Meggy(idk why I have been calling you that in my head). Love you!