No doubt if you've spent any significant time with me I have more than likely imposed my musical tastes on you. Eagerly playing my "favorite" song for you…Needless to say I am slightly obsessed with music (some of you are smiling and/or nodding and/or rolling your eyes right now). So I've decided to summarize my feelings and growth in my walk with Jesus this summer musically! Come on, you know you are a little curious. Follow me on a musical journey :)
We'll start our journey after finals…
Tumble outta bed
And stumble to the kitchen
Pour myself a cup of ambition
Yawnin, stretchin, try to come to life
Jump in the shower
And the blood starts pumpin
Out on the streets
The traffic starts jumpin
And folks like me on the job from 9 to 5
-9-5, Dolly Parton
Admit it, you either already know the Dolly Parton song and are singing it in your head or you just youtubed it and are Now singing along. Seriously though, I worked a LOT after finals before I left for Costa Rica to the point where I was too exhausted to think about God and was more worried about making sure I had all my stuff ready than I was about being spiritually and emotionally ready for the roller coaster that awaited me. Trust me not the best way to start out.
You're everywhere I go
I am not alone
You call me as your own
To know you and be known
-Here With Me, MercyMe
Week one was great. I could definitely see that like the perfect sheppard He is, God had gone before me and prepared a place for me in Costa Rica. I had seen Him work in so many ways to even get me there that I was just pumped to be here and learn everything He wanted to teach me.
How patterned is my guilt
To crush the life You've built
To keep me far away from any kind of change
-Fight, Point of Grace
Week two was God showing me that I'm better off not knowing what He is planning. I was starting to get a sense of the magnitude of what He wanted to teach me and grow me this summer. My response? "I don't think so!" So the rest of Costa Rica was a lot of me distancing myself from God because I wasn't ready to deal with stuff, to go where He was asking me to.
Week 3 and 4:
I can't find the words to pray
I'm a little down today
Can you help me?
Can you hold me?
I feel like a million miles away
And I don't know what to say
Can you hear me anyway?
What I need is for you to reach out your hand
You have taught me
No matter what you'd understand
-Lord Move Or Move Me, FFH
I was discouraged by the distance from God (even though I was the one creating it) and just the lack of fellowship that I had during these weeks and I realized how grateful I am for the loving family of believers I have at home that would probably smack me if I was being this stupid at home.
Lord I know the only way is through this
Lord I know I need you to help me do this
Lord move in a way, that I've never seen before
Cause there's a mountain in the way and a lock on the door
I'm drifting away, waves are crashing on the shore
So Lord move (move), or move me.
-Lord Move Or Move Me, FFH
By this point I realize that it's not smart to go to California where I'm supposed to be learning how to share Christ, when I'm fighting against Him. But I also knew that I'm wasn’t strong enough to make the surrender on my own. God moved, of course and I had a rollercoaster of a last week but I needed it to break me for California.
With all of my broken motives
All of my selfish dreams
All of my foolishness
Now I understand where it leads
I want to be in Your love
I want to be so much more
I know You're reaching out
I don't want to fight anymore
-Fight, Point of Grace
I knew what God wanted from me and FINALLY I thought, “Ya know just maybe this will be good for me.” Not that changes were immediate but I was in a place where my heart was open for God to teach me, and oh boy I had no idea.
Week 2 and 3:
At the cross You beckon me
You draw me gently to my knees, and I am
Lost for words, so lost in love,
I’m sweetly broken, wholly surrendered
-Sweetly Broken, Jeremy Riddle
If I tried to explain everything that happened weeks 2 and 3 then this blog would be a book. I'll be more than happy to tell you all about it though :) But I have grown tremendously and I want the change to follow me home and for the rest of my life. It's not been easy but I don't think I've ever understood the chorus of this song as much as I do now.
I will go, I will go
I will go, Lord send me
To the world, To the lost
To the poor and hungry
Take everything I am
I'm clay within your hands
I will go, I will go, send me
-I Will Go, Starfield
I couldn't leave out the fact that even though I had a passion for missions before this summer that I've learned so much more of what that looks like and I want to go NOW. Lol, sadly there is that whole school thing…
If You say go, we will go
If You say wait, we will wait
If You say step out on the water
And they say it can't be done
We'll fix our eyes on You and we will come
-If You Say Go, Amy Nobles
I still wanna go (oh how I want to go), but I'm trusting in the Holy Spirit to guide me to where I'm suppose to go. I want to go home but at the same time I don't but I know that my mission right now is that of a student.
Coming Attractions: I will do a reflection on California sometime in my off week next week. I will be in Indy from July 22nd-July 31st and then I'm off again. I don't know how much computer access I will have in Jamaica but I will definitely update everyone afterward. Let me know if you wanna hang out while I'm home :)